You might remember from my first post that I explained that I’d decided to start this blog for ‘personal reasons’. Well, I feel like writing about those ‘personal reasons’ might act as a form of therapy for me! I mean, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t start this blog for anyone else other than me. I couldn’t care less if only 1 person reads it. I always feel like writing about things helps to release it from my mind and stops me from overthinking.

So, here we go!

When I was pregnant with Evie (in the third trimester to be precise) I started to become overwhelmed with anxiety. There was absolutely no reason for it – I just worried constantly about everything. I’d have thoughts like “this baby doesn’t need me, she’d be better off it being just her and Matty”, and “I don’t want her to turn out like me”. It consumed me for the last 3 months, right up until a few months after she was born.

To be completely honest, I chalked this up to being my hormones. I’d read that in the third trimester, your hormones are raging, and then obviously there’s the baby blues afterwards. So, I didn’t really think I needed any professional help. I just thought “it’ll go away in time”.

Wrong.

I went back to work after maternity leave and that was when I started to feel a little bit more normal. It was hard to begin with but after a couple of months, I finally felt like me again. I rarely worried and my anxiety levels went right down. But then, we decided that it was best for me to leave work, due to childcare problems. I had no issue with this at all – I wanted to be a stay-at-home Mam the minute I found out I was pregnant so it felt amazing to hand my notice in, knowing I’d be spending so much more time with Evie.

About 2 weeks into leaving work, my anxiety came back with a vengeance. I became super worried about taking Evie out, so I’d make excuses whenever I had made plans. I started eating less because I was so stressed out all the time, and lately, I’ve been waking up at 5:00am and can’t get back to sleep. I finally plucked up the courage 2 weeks ago to see the doctor. And I’m so glad I did! He diagnosed me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder – it felt amazing to have a name for what was wrong with me. I can actually be treated for it which means I can start feeling more human again in time.

At the minute, the mornings are the worst. I seem to wake up with a constant knot in my stomach, and I feel like I have this massive weight on my shoulders that I can’t shift. It’s not as simple as just changing my mindset when I wake up, because it feels like it’s constantly there from the minute I open my eyes. I just want to wake up and feel happy instead of dreading the day ahead and worrying about what might happen.

I have a follow-up appointment with my GP on Wednesday. I’m considering asking for some form of medication to see if it’ll help but I’m super scared of taking it. I’ve also referred myself to a therapist who I’ll also be speaking to on Wednesday, as the doctor believes some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might do the trick.

It’s a slow process, and I know that. But it’s something I have to sort out for, not just Evie, but for Matt and my family. They’ve been the biggest support ever, and I can’t thank them enough for standing by me and letting my cry it out when I feel like it’s too much. I’ll be sure to update this blog on how it’s going, just incase someone out there is struggling like me. But like I said, I didn’t start the blog for anyone else but me as a way of getting things off my chest. If anyone needs advice though, then you know where I am 🙂